Live Blogging The Great Pumpkin

Kara and I Gchatted our way through "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" Here is our hilarious transcipt:



Kara: It's on!

me: Oh man! Notary joke!

Kara: Heh.

Hodge had better be watching this to study up for his character.

I love Snoopy.

me: I love that "There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin."

Kara: Heh.

It's perfect.

me: BOLT!

That hamster is amazing.

Kara: We should doubleheader it w/ Twilight.

me: Oh, Christ on a bike. I will be so happy.

Kara: Are you going to see HSM3 tonight?

me: I don't know. I am broke. I will have to go to the Coin Star.

Kara: No way, just pay for your ticket w/ coins.

They have to accept the currency plus you don't lose the 9% fee or whatever it is.

me: Oh man. $9 in coins?

Kara: Yup

Put 'em in a Ziploc

Heh, Pigpen.

You should be a WWI flying ace.

me: I would be Charlie Brown with the holes in the sheet if I felt I could sacrifice my white sheet.

Kara: haha

me: But I need that for my wedding night.

Kara: HA!

So your husband can see if you bleed?

me: Right.

Little girls are innocent and trusting!

Wah!


Kara: WTF just happened to Linus's eyes?

me: He was demonstrating that she would see with her own eyes.

me: Wait, the Great Pumpkin only visits those most sincere?

Kara: Wait, really? No wonder he's never come here.

me: How does he know?

What about actors?

Kara: Ha

Hahaha

I like how Linus knows what "sincere" means but his girlfriend was just last year too little to go trick-or-treating.

me: I think it puts Linus' sincerity in question if he is that in to younger women.

Kara: Well this is the 50s, right?

It's like Mad Men.

Or something.

me: True story.

me: I really know the plight of Charlie Brown.
Put on a list mistakenly...only getting rocks...But no one seems sorry to see him when he is actually there...

Kara: You are getting drunk this weekend, yes? Or we are getting brunch or something...let's turn this around for you.

Kara: Who is that one super stupid bitch with Lucy?

me: Oh, Sally. Don't start bitching about your reputation when you've already been in the pumpkin patch for hours.

I don't like the WWII fighting ace stuff.

Kara: Ha, weird.I was just going to say I could watch a full hour of it

me: You aren't going to get laid at a party if you stick your head in a bucket of water, Lucy.
You just like it because Murphy Lee slinks like that.

Kara: Heh. He totally does.

Then if you give him a cheese roll-up from Taco Bell he dances like this.

me: We all end up in places we don't expect on Halloween night, Sally.

me: And if he thinks about his feral brothers and sisters, he cries like this.

Kara: A "woman."

These kids are such sages.

Aw, just like how one slip of one of the presidential candidates in the opposite if/when can cause them problems, too.

This is so topical.

me: I hope Linus doesn't get a cold.
And Lucy shares some candy.

I know, Charlie Brown. I went "trick or treating" and all I got was "a bag of rocks" too.

Kara: Wait I thought this was an hour long!

me: The election one is next.

Wait, so the pumpkin patch has to be sincere, or the people in it?

I don't like the tone of disappointment already.

Even for Charlie Brown.

Kara: Oh Charlie Brown.

His short life.

me: Don't trust the polls, Charlie Brown.
Why does Charlie Brown continue in this toxic relationship with Lucy?

Kara: They're both pretty toxic to each other.

It can't be good for her to hang around him either.

me: This poll seems very informal.

Kara: I really hate Charlie Brown's shirt.

I think it makes him look like an idiot.

me: I don't remember student body president being this involved.

Kara: me either

me: Linus is surprisingly authoritative.

Kara: I know, right?

For being a little kid.

me: For being such a sensitive little pussy ten minutes ago.

Kara: haha

I've never seen this one before.

Is he going to end up all Manchurian or something?

me: Me neither. It is very 60's.

I hope there is a twist!

Lucy is brainwashing Linus!

Kara: Honestly, I don't know why he doesn't hit her back.

me: I am glad no one is actually listening to this radio program.

Kara: No kidding.

Linus screams like Snoopy.

me: Probably voiced by the same actor.

Kara: Nancy Cartwright?

me: Or they had a "Lucy punch" button much like the Timbaland "Hey" button.

Kara: hahaha

I want to say I had a Lucy punching bag when I was a kid?

But maybe it was a clown.

me: Jonny Lee Miller is smoking hot. I have thought this since Mansfield Park.

Kara: Oh he really is.

me: I think I had something similiar. And it makes sense.

But I might be confusing it with the Snoopy Snow Cone machine, a source of huge contention in my house.

Kara: Oh I had one of those too.

me: Linus has an Obama size lead in the popular vote.
If Linus doesn't win, I blame chads.

Kara: Russell Anderson looks like a complete douchebag.What a shitty speech.

me: He is also a stiff speaker, and I really didn't get a sense of his personality or leadership abilities.

Kara: OMG Linus is acting like Mussolini.

me: Linus is projecting crazy good without a microphone.

Kara: They let the dog in the school...

me: I agree with doing away with the caps and gowns for kindergarten graduation.

Kara: Me too.

I didn't even have a kindergarten graduation.

me: Me neither. But I think I had a preschool one.

But I don't remember it.

Kara: Aw, they have the liberal elite media.

me: I am just waiting for Linus to make this about abortion and Iraq.

me: HAHAHAHA!

His religious agenda comes out!

The Great Pumpkin!

Kara: This is pretty awesome.

me: This show suddenly became AMAZING.

Kara: Let's get DanceCam and hook it up to some 50 Cent.

me: Oh, yes

Missy Elliot is going to be on "Dancing With the Stars"?!

Kara: OMG

me: Your religious agenda ALWAYS does you in, Linus.

Kara: I think I might hate Sally.

me: Amy just came in to preach at me about Roe v. Wade.

Oh, and you always have to answer to someone, Linus.

The principal is your Cheney.

Kara: I didn't realize you'd become anti-choice.

me: I apparently just did.

That's it? It just ends?

Kara: I guess...I kind of want to watch this now

me: I do too. I like all the dancer men.

I think I am into gay looking men.

Kara: Are you going to say Lance is hot or something?

me: No, the dancers.

Kara: I do not care for Brooke Burke.

Whoa.

That shirt!

Of course he doesn't know what a box is.

me: They were dancing to John Mayer!

Kara: This show is nuts.

How are we not watching it every week?

An Open Letter to El Mariachi

Dear El Mariachi Mexican Restaurant on Broadway and Irving Park,

Every time I eat at your restaurant, I get fucked. For some reason, something in my order gets messed up, or it doesn't get put in at all, or the omlette station breaks if I am the last one to go up there. I have been boycotting going to your restaurant at all, but some people insist on trying it again. And we go back, and I sit there eating more chips and salsa while everyone else eats their meals, until someone brings out my food fifteen minutes later.

Don't get me wrong, the food is good. But I am consistently punished servicewise. I do not think I have ever had a positive experience there. You cannot win me over with those doughnut things with honey. I will not give in.

I am never going back to you again, regardless of your Vegetarian Skillet.

Ole,

Melissa Kate Elaine Evans

An Open Letter to Stephenie Meyer

Dear Best-Selling Author or Young Adult Vampire Novels Stephenie Meyer,

I am shocked that someone allowed you to publish Breaking Dawn.

Yes, I have cruised my way through all your (four) books in two weeks, and yes, I keep saying that I don't like them, but I enjoy them. That all changed when I got to this piece of drivel you call Breaking Dawn. Never have I read such outright masturbatory fast car/pretty clothes fantasy combined with right wing preachiness. I am truly sorry that I gave Borders $18 for this piece of crap, and I am so sorry for the millions of teenage girls who are going to walk away from this with a romanticized view of things.

Yeah, I get that, like, People magazine loves you, but you know what? My 18-month-old cousin can finish the People crossword puzzle in five minutes without help. Yeah, I get that you have millions of dollars. But so does Britney Spears. Don't mean she finished high school.

I am reading Pride and Prejudice over and over until I feel clean again,
Melissa Kate Elaine Evans

An Open Letter to John Mayer

Dear Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer,

Look, we all knew I wouldn't stay mad at you forever. Especially since you're not the problem. I mean, certain songs are still off limits, but fortunately for all of us, when you're not whining about how you fuck things up with women, you're swearing that you are going to prove the nay-sayers wrong. That's very relatable at this moment in time. So let's not make this any more embarrassing than it already is and just come out with a new album already so we can reconcile completely.

I am listening to "Vultures" on repeat. If that's not making up, I don't know what is.

And now I am resolving not to write an open letter until you do something dumb, Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer.

Melissa Kate Elaine Evans

An Open Letter to Gmail Content Sensitive Advertising

Dear Gmail Content Sensitive Advertising,

It's one thing for my content sensitive advertising to be all singles websites for cougars. But today? When I got the headline "Does nothing seem to be going your way?" You crossed the line.

Sincerely,
Melissa Kate Elaine Evans

Canvassing in Michigan

This weekend I had the opportunity to canvass for Obama in Grand Rapids, MI. I cannot give very much money to the campaign, seeing as how the economy is in crisis and what not, but I can give my time, so I have phone banked and signed up for Michigan. Of course, two days before we are set to go, McCain pulls out. That doesn't change the ground game though; the final push to register voters in the state was still imperative. I like parroting e-mails from the campaign.

We set off for Michigan very bright and early for a Saturday morning, especially for someone who doesn't sleep very well. We arrived in Grand rapids somewhere around 1, I want to say, had a lunch and debriefing session, and then set off. Amy and I partnered up for a street in Wyoming, which is just south? some direction? of Grand Rapids.

I have only been to Michigan once for more than a drive through, and I had never been in that area. I had mostly apartment buildings to canvass, and I was rather reminded of "8 Mile," which I am kind of ashamed to say. Not that I don't trust Eminem's artistic representation of his upbringing, it's just that you hope that's what it's not really like. Or at least I do.

Anyhow, I knocked on a little over 50 doors during my time in Michigan. I probably only got responses on 20% of those doors. The majority of people were overwhelmingly supportive -- they at the very least told me they were voting for Obama. More often than not, I was met with a cloud of pot smoke and the sound of giggling as soon as the door closed, but hey, if they said they were voting (if they were of age to do so.) I hope they remember. I only met with two houses of McCain supporters; one seemed hesitant to tell me who they were supporting, but I could tell. The other was a family -- the husband was doing some yard work and yelled at me as I approached. He didn't come near me though, and his wife at least listened to what I had to say before telling me that her husband was definitely voting for McCain, and she was leaning that way. But if that was the most horrible encounter of my day, I'd gladly take it.

The best part of my day, the part where I felt like I was doing something (for America!) was when I registered people to vote. I knocked on one door, and the younger brother answered. I did my "Hi! My name is Mel and I am canvassing as a part of Obama's Campaign for Change" spiel anyhow, and I heard someone say, "Let me call you back, I want to hear this!" A young pregnant girl came to the door, and we ended up talking for quite some time. We registered her to vote; she asked lots of questions; I tried my best to explain the Bailout to her (and many thanks to Kat Gotsick for explaining it to me a couple of hours beforehand.) This girl was excited, and interested, and even though it seemed like the most cliche women's voting moment ever, it made me happy. I cried and cried as soon as I walked away.

The Obama campaign sent out a text reminding people to watch the debates, and also instructing people to reply if they wanted to volunteer. I will phone bank these next couple Saturdays, and I will gladly give another day. I hate to say it, but my motives are purely selfish -- I don't want to be crying on November 5th again.

An Open Letter to John Mayer

Dear Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer,

You have been temporarily replaced by the New Kids on the Block reunion CD "The Block." I hope any royalties you are seeing from your stupid live cover of "Free Fallin'" are helping you get through the night, because I know that one hurts.

Sincerely,
Melissa Kate Elaine Evans

An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I would really appreciate it if you could add a "lick" function a la "poke" on Facebook. I really think it would help me socially, and that's the point of your little site, right? I am not too clear on what the point of poking is, or the motivation behind it, or who social decorum dictates that you can do it to. But I am pretty sure I have got the grasp of the connotation of licking someone.

Thanks in advance!
Melissa Kate Elaine Evans