An Open Letter to John Mayer

Dear Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer,

I have bad news.

Look, Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer, we have been through quite a bit. I mean, I have seen you live three times now, which places you second in my personal rankings of musicians I have seen live (by the numbers. As far as rankings over all, I am probably still going to say that Poison was the best concert I have ever seen. That is not an invitation for a Jersey joke.) Your songs are probably the top five on my most-placed list on my iPod, and I probably have a reputation for loving John Mayer that is close to Jennifer Aniston's (although she is so over you now, and is really being successful at just waking up. Good for you, Jennifer Aniston.)

However, things may have hit a slight stumbling block in our extremely one-sided relationship, Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer. And it's not your fault, so don't, you know, blame yourself and write a song about it and make millions more, because that seemed like the obvious thing for you to do. You didn't bring this on yourself by say, dating Jessica Simpson or something. This is mostly my fault.

Thanks to recent events, I just can't listen to your music right now, Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer. It's my fault. It's me being too open about how I enjoy your music, and people using that. So now, thanks to association, it just makes me cry. I am that girl right now. Maybe you should write a song about me after all.

I know I'll be back eventually, Grammy Winning and Multi-Platinum Columbia Recording Artist John Mayer. But it probably won't be until you have some new material, and don't just release concert footage of you covering "Free Fallin'" or something off a movie soundtrack as a single. So consider that a request: make a new CD. So I can ruin that one too.

Sincerely,
Melissa Kate Elaine Evans